Real Eyes. Real Lies. Realize.
Today has been a very Spirit filled and a humbling day for me. First entry after 2 months in Jerusalem seems absolutely appropriate.
I don’t know if I have much to say about Jerusalem or Israel. All I have on my heart is to share how much it has transformed me.
This is me:
I am broken, I am done with my disgusting self, my human nature. I want to die to myself and my desires.
These past 2 months have been cleansing, and they have broken me. I am slowly taking out my insides and washing them in Christ’s blood.
For the first time in my life I feel forgiven, and loved. I started to feel the Holy Spirit powers within me, and I see Him clearly. I am finally discerning. I have learned how to question my spirit and to question my thoughts.
Prayer has become a weapon and no longer a ritual. I am at war with the desert of my mind, with my flesh, and the lies of the enemy. It’s a constant warfare.
I am at peace and I am in the raging storm of the sea. I am pressing into the Lord and crushing barriers along the way. My way is narrow, my way is God. My sight is set on Him alone.
I hate the world, and my flesh. It makes me sick seeing people being lost.
I am starting to see the truth clearly.
To know that He has forgiven my disgusting sins is the most amazing feeling. I am clean, and He does NOT condemn.
I am breaking free from the Pharisees’ rituals that I have been taught. My goal is to turn the world upside down.
My experience here has been the most precious one I’ve ever had. The spiritual food fed to me is rich, and big in amount.
Praising His name, and giving Him glory.
Pray for my growth.
I love my God.
I’m a part of the fellowship of the unashamed.
I have Holy Spirit power.
I’ve stepped over the line.
The decision has been made.
I’m a disciple of His.
I won’t look back,
let up, slow down,
back away, or be still.
My past redeemed,
my present makes sense,
my future is secure.
I’m finished and done with low living,
sidewalking, small planning,
smooth-knees, colorless dreams,
tame visions, worldly-talking,
cheap-giving, and dwarf goals.
I no longer need pre-eminence,
applause, or popularity.
I don’t have to be right,
first, tops, recognized,
praised, regarded, or rewarded.
I now live by faith,
lean on His presence, walk by patience.
I am uplifted by prayer and labour by power.
My face is set.
My gait is fast.
My goal is Heaven.
My road is narrow.
My way is rough.
My companions are few.
My God reliable.
My mission is clear.
I cannot be bought, compromised,
detoured, lured away,
turned back, deluded, or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice,
hesitate in the presence of my adversaries,
negotiate at the table of my enemy,
or ponder at the pool of popularity.
I won’t give up, shut up, let up,
until I’ve stayed up, stored up, prayed up,
preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a disciple of Jesus.
This song once saved my life.
We are the people
Josh Garrels-White Owl
Thank God for music as such
Very Appropriate, if you know what I mean.
Last page of my photo book
Amazing! Okean Elzi-Airplane.
Brings back so many memories from my Eastern Europe life.
Cold December-Matt Costa
One my my all time Faves
Asked by fabulous-trotskyist
Hello, I don’t mind you asking at all. I was born in St. Petersburg but moved to USA when I was 12. I went back to learn about my culture and to teach English. I ended up moving to Rostov-On-Don in December 2009, after that I made 3 trips back, but now living back in Portland,OR. Let me know if you have any other questions. Thanks for the interest.
For the past 2 nights in a row I have been having flashbacks of my Russia life.
I think I intentionally blocked it off in my head. The first 6 months there were absolute hell, absolute disaster. I never thought I would remember any of it, but I do now, and I can not avoid it. I didn’t want to get so personal about it, but I feel like I should share my story.
My arrival in Rostov was absolutely terrifying. Everything was out of order and the crowd of people I flew with turned into savages the moment they stepped off the plane. Those rich bastards, pushed and shoved everyone out of their way just to get through the security lines fist. After a few weeks after my arrival I got used to taking the bus and had to go home alone. In order to get to my cozy house, which was my hide out place, I had to cross a field in 5 degrees weather. I occasionally would get frost bites on my fingers, and cry because my lungs felt as if they were about to shatter because they were frozen. When I cried my tears would freeze on my face. I hated it, but I knew that I chose to move there and I had to become stronger. This lasted until March.
I had no friends at work, I only had my room mate. She was a blessing, we read the Bible and would dine all the time in our shared living house with a strict owner. The owner/landlord was an old lady who tried to conserve EVERYTHING. Often at nights we would have to sleep in our jackets and hats. We also had to take cold showers in 45 degree room. I got used to it all eventually. I remember my routine in our tiny room. Wake up, make breakfast , and lock up in our room. The happiest time was when both my room mate and I would get off work and just sit in our bed and rest.
I later moved to a different apartment, where it was just me and Katya (a new room mate) Times got better. I was living in a fancy apartment with everything I needed, and it was getting warmer. Work seemed to be getting easier for me, and I was building new relationships and got to discover literally every single restaurant in downtown. When Katya would go home on the weekends I had to have my mom call me and calm me down. I often though I was dying because I missed my family so so much. Crazy to think back now knowing I was happy to leave them.
Russia has given me a lot indeed. It made me a warrior. When I came back connecting to people was very hard. Being back was torturing, especially knowing my love was back there, as well as my best friend. I felt way too blessed here, all the luxuries here made me uncomfortable. The poor there are stuck to be poor, the rich will only get richer.
Here are some thoughts I found from a night spent in a village “ This life is something rather, It’s different, it isn’t what anyone imagined it. I see it from so many different angles, from many different aspects. I want to help. I do, in any way possible, I only mean well, I don’t mean to insult nor do I mean to intrude or offend anyone. I do not think this country will ever improve or get rich. Its government is its own death, it is the cause for the poverty that it has within it and it is the cause of many social problems here. Without a doubt this is a beautiful country just like any other. The life these people live is crazy, people work work for pennies, most do, but many live better .
“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.”